i hate ralph nader.

things i've noticed while sick

many of you (okay, Kurt) have asked,"where are all the emails i used to get from you? the rants, the "funny" stories, the sports takes we didn't get but didn't mind reading... what could you possibly be doing with your time?!"
well gentle readers, i could blame it the new job which i started in may of this year or the fact that, sigh, the sacramento kings, while i'm still a "fan," suck, and aren't that much fun to watch lose. i mean, i didn't grow in boston or chicago -i don't know that much about suffering with the team. and many (nearly all) don't get (enjoy) a lot of my sports references... and it's not AS much fun to hate the lakers these days, cause they suck too. which is rad. i have been involved in hijinx -but those stories are best told with hand gestures or puppets...
but, seeing as i have been out of work all week with strep throat (i know!) and am bored off my ass AND the fact that i think the antibiotics are starting to work... here are some things i've noticed while being sick
10. i've noticed: there are a ton of people hanging out in laurel heights on a tuesday around 11.15am. they not only have a lot of free time to spend, but cash as well... on range rovers. you can imagine how very frustrating it was trying to find parking for starbucks in order to get my double decaf, non fat, slightly vegan, 143 degree, mocha frapp w/ three quarter whip. stupid yuppies.
9. i've noticed: day time tv sucks. so i watched the Mary Lant...(something) story. the middle school teacher who gets imprisoned for having sex w/ her 13 year old student? yeah, her. seems like a lot of people at Lifetime have a lot of sympahty for this woman - she is played very sympathetically -that's why i say that (i only have so many adjectives at my disposal right now). apparently she and the 13 year old are "soulmates." they now have two kids together... the end of the movie didn't provide an update as to where they are right now... i wonder how i could find that out...
8. i've noticed: day time tv sucks big time. the next movie right after this one was about a soccer mom (based on another true story) who goes into chatrooms posing as a 14 year old girl to help the police catch pedophiles. i was like, "holy ironies batman! um, hello?" yeah, old men preying on young girls is disgusting, but old women preying on young boys is romantic. whatevs.
7. i've noticed: that while sick, i'm willing to subject myself to just about anything. hmmm... maybe ryan will call and talk about what he does at work.
6. i've noticed: i've sorta got a thing for... Rob Zombie. not like that. his movies. i know. even worse! okay. so to be fair(to whom?), i've only seen one. a house of a 1000 corpses. horribly grotesque, mean, dark, zero redemption, zero happy ending. but i could NOT stop watching it. like a really bad porn accident (i don't know, people always say car accident) i could not turn away. and now i'm obsessed with seeing the remake of Halloween directed by none other than our friend Rob (Mr. Zombie if you're nasty) -so now i think for today i'm going to watch the sequel to 1000 corpses, the hills have eyes... that or valley girl.
5. i've noticed: that Oprah is STILL talking about her weight! (more bad tv). i was like, "what a loser..."(more irony) but it made me think. my girlfriends and i talk about our weight, our bodies, food, etc. a.lot. don't we have better things to focus our energy on? like the illegal war, homelessness, or universal healthcare?! by the way, i haven't been able to eat anything due to a really painful swallowing process (shut it gavin) that occurs so i've lost like 5 lbs and can totally fit into these one pair of jeans............ uhm. right. that AND sign one of those moveon.org online petitions. this is what involved in the process looks like people.
4. i've noticed: i'm not as funny when i'm sick.
3. i've noticed: there's something wrong w/ our HBO
2. i've noticed: that the internet killed the video star. hey, that should be on a bumper sticker or t-shirt or something...
1. i've noticed: that i am probably the only person laughing at this email. it's funnier if you can actually hear me read the things that i've noticed -my tone, my inflection, the way i repeat things until i hear you laugh so i know that you finally "got" it, etc. so call me if you want me to read it over the phone to you. if it goes straight to voicemail it means that i'm busy reading it to someone else.... or screening your call (mom).

the first rule of fight club...

Did this first rule from the movie Fight Club bother anyone else?! I could barely stand it! By saying, "the first rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club..." IS in fact TALKING about fight club. I think it would make more sense if it was the "first unspoken rule..." But that annoys me too. Has anyone ever said to you, "it's more of an unspoken rule..." well then how is anyone ever supposed to know it's a rule?! Okay, so I will offer a solution: the first rule is... you don't talk about IT. Riddle me this, what guy who has been exposed to fight club is going to say, "don't talk about what?" "the fact that i just got new wallpaper in my office?" "your zit?" you just spent the night before beating the living honey out of each other and when someone says "don't talk about IT," you're not going to know what they mean? You show up to the office with your eye swollen shut and a fat lip and you see another member who says to you, "remember the first rule, we don't talk about it." and you say, "about what?" and they respond, "exactly." and your respond again, "no seriously about what?" another member, "don't talk about it." "about what? Fight club? I wouldn't do that, it's the first rule..."

Random Kingdom

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. That sentence is to honor my father, (he is still alive and well by the way). It was the opening sentence for every letter I rec'd from him while I was away at school. My parents would usually need to send me something (money) and he would accompany it with musings on how he spent his days that week. One letter described how my grandparents had just vacated after a recent visit to my parents' house. He said something to affect of having a hard time "cleaning the Arkansas out of the house." Anyway, the introduction sentence uses every letter in the alphabet -whether you intend to use them all in your or not.

Anyhoo, I'm in therapy now. I can't believe it either! I think I may have started therapy for the wrong reasons -trying to not lose something... but now I feel like it's not about losing something, that maybe wasn't there in the first place, but about finding myself again... as cheesy as that sounds. Therapy is hard. I think it's hard because I feel like I already KNOW the questions they're going to ask. But I think it may be like that because you are finally ready to answer those questions. Well I am here to say, Asked Answered -Done. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll keep going for a few more shesh's (sessions -keep up!).

What's great about my guy is he doesn't give me "stuff to work on." Like, "For this week try to yield more to other drivers," or "Cut back on the celebrity trash a bit." I realized he just wanted me to like and accept myself -to just be me, maybe a more aware me, but still me. Thing is -for the past 6 months or so, I haven't really liked myself. Yeah, I'm funny and I've got great hair -but I think I was half-assing a lot of life -an angry that I wasn't enjoying things more -but I didn't know how to break the cycle. Thank God for shock therapy -to get me to go to therapy.

and another thing that irritates me is...

...people who do not know the difference between an inside joke and a joke that is just not funny, but that you and at least one other person believes to be funny. for example, my good friend from highschool -we'll call her Teefcake -are tickling Teefcake's younger brother. Said younger brother is laughing hysterically and apparently enjoying himself... until he subsequently wets himself. Teefcake points to his general crotch area and squeals, "X, you wet yourself!" We laugh hysterically -by we I mean Teefcake and myself... not younger brother. From then on, before road trips we'd ask younger brother if he needed to use the restroom, tell him that he'd better not have that last glass of water before bed and etc. Each time we did, we would remember the actual incident and laugh heartily... and by we I mean...

Before I offer the example of the not an inside but rather not funny joke, lemme tell you about the book I'm reading, Honeymoon with My Brother. I don't know, I think the SF Chron reviewed it and said it was "light-hearted and fun..." or something. Have I got a letter to the editor for them, and I'm only on page 30! Basic premise of book is that though the protagonist, Franz -yes, apparently he's male, is dumped 5 days before his wedding he still decides to go on the honeymoon with his brother -hence the title. I'm assuming once they get on the honeymoon, high jinks ensue. I thought this sounded interesting -girl leaving boy at altar- who gets tired of this story? And two brothers reconnecting through travel experiences. I wanted something light okay? Anyway... before we get to the travel bit we have endure the backstory, how he met and instantly fell in love with "Absent from Altar Annie," (I just thought of that). Oh, and did I mention the back of the book's description says something about this dude being a political insider in DC? -so I thought that might be cool too. And then life played a cruel joke. Franz is republican -worked for then Senator Pete Wilson to Gov Pete Wilson and then for some hideously orange county developer -ew. So my first hint (i'm getting to it!) is when Franz is on the phone w/ an assemblyman, whom he makes wait -because, "afterall he's nearly at the bottom of the food chain, the only thing lower being a school board member..." I'm paraphrasing here, cause ya know, who cares? Anyhoo, all I can think of is that in some round about or indirect way, I just contributed funds to the republican party and I immediately think of calling my credit card company to challenge the charge -but decide that the "I didn't knoooow!" argument prolly won't work. So before Annie can finally leave him at the altar (really, five whole days before -not as dramatic) we have to understand just how perfect they are for each other... and Franz illustrates (how literary!) this by telling us their inside joke. Annie, also working for Pete Wilson's campaign, creates a bumper sticker displaying a picture of Pinocchio with the slogan, "Puppets for Pete." Franz tells how no one else in the office "got it," only himself and Annie. What's to get? I'm not a republican or anything, but isn't it in poor taste? I mean, if someone from the Democrat side thought of this... then it's a little insulting to pete and thus a little funny... but people not getting, no dude, they just don't think it's funny. And the fact that the two of you think it is funny does not illustrate your superior ability to GET stuff, nor does it automatically make the joke "inside," but rather shows that what the two of you DO have in common is a low "standard," for humor. amen.
don't read this book, don't get the two types of jokes confused. that's alls i'm sayin'.

my head was literally going to explode

i am literally fed up w/ people who use literally in the wrong context -not only wrong context, but the exact opposite meaning. putting literally before a hyperbolic statement -or when they're speaking in a figurative way really sticks in my craw... but not literally sticks in my craw, because -ew.

i am esp. privy to the abuse of the word when i am literally a captive audience, for instance, while riding the bus to work. First off, there is an unspoken rule about talking on public transportation in san francisco -and if not, there should be. maybe we need to speak the rule so that others will know? but then it's not so much unspoken... but i digress. so back to my "first off," while riding muni -shut it... or at least speak quietly to your seat partner. do not share your "walk of shame," weekend with your fellow traverlers -start a blog! Secondly, the people chained to the electronic leash -let's call it a cell phone -who feel the need to answer while riding muni -to you i say politely again -shut it. if you were anyone of real importance or if you just HAD to be somewhere yesterday then you really wouldn't be riding muni would you?

I just love starting my day by listening to you recant, "dude i got so wasted..." or listening to you argue with your credit card company... you people are a live ad for mp3 players.